#24: Slow Down
On Monday, my Mister* woke up sick and I spent the day taking care of him. Tuesday, I caught the same thing (though not as severe, luckily). As the virus made its last grand attempt to overtake me last night, I got that awful sensation of fluid in the sinuses that always makes me feel like I’m under water. (You know, when a big Jersey wave knocks you upside down and squirts seawater up your nose? Am I the only one stupid enough to let that happen?) Anyway, that got a song suck in my head that I probably hadn’t heard in years– Slow Down by Paulson. I found it on youtube and listened to it before I fell asleep. If you’re not familiar, have a listen:
Slow Down by Paulson
I’m so glad that my random word association brought me to this song, because it hit me on two different levels.
First, as I’ve mentioned before, I felt distant and disconnected from God for a very long time, and I’m just beginning to surface from that spiritual murkiness. It really did mess with my sense of time and age, leaving me in retrospect with the feeling that “I just survived” and wasn’t really living. I was trying to “save myself” and of course that’s neither necessary nor even possible. The growing realization that I’m really not alone, that I can learn once again to float on God’s plans for me instead of sinking in my own attempts to plan, is truly stunning. But in my relationship with God, I fully intend to rush things and grow closer to Him as fast as possible.
The song speaks in a different way to my relationship with my Mister. I don’t want to get too mushy or too personal, so let it suffice to say that we are both deeply committed to one another and he really could be the one. Because of that, I really relate to the feeling that “nothing else matters now”. I’m grateful for the reminder in this song that even so, we need to take our time in order to do things right. Love and lust really do coexist sometimes, but they’re ultimately incompatible. Either one will eventually drive out the other if it takes control long enough. I always thought of lust as a very overt, kind of creepy sexuality, but in a committed relationship, it seems to be a lot more subtle than that. It’s about wanting more intimacy and sooner than what chastity allows. Basically, it feels a lot like the temptation to break your Lenten fast before Easter. So, taking a cue from the song’s title, I’m sending up a prayer for patience tonight. If I truly believe that God wants to unite me in marriage with another soul (I do), then I’d better give Him the time and space to prepare my heart for that lifelong bond beforehand. True love really can sweep a girl off her feet, but no love is stronger than the Love that called us into being. God, grant us the patience and fidelity to commit our hearts to You fully before binding them to one another. May we always keep our minds, hearts, and whole beings pure for You. Amen.
*I can’t think of a fitting pseudonym for my boyfriend. My grandmom always used to ask me “How’s your mister?”, and since he never got to meet her before she passed away, Mister seems fitting to me.