Feast of St. Thomas, Apostle (And Doubt)
Today was the feast of St. Thomas the Apostle. I know I’ve already written about St. Thomas here (https://confidentlycatholic.wordpress.com/2012/04/15/thomas/), but I think there is always room for more of him. St. Thomas shows his true humanity by doubting. I all too often find myself doubting, whether it be my confidence, my abilities, my call, or God’s plan for me. I might break down thinking God has forgotten me or that my life isn’t what it’s supposed to be and often I wonder if it is. It is understandable that, at 24, I want more in my life but at the same time, God is trying to lead me to the “more” I am looking for in His own way. I had a plan; my life was supposed to be figured out, my friends weren’t supposed to be getting married while I am alone, those younger than me weren’t supposed to be getting real jobs when I’m struggling with two part time jobs and finishing school. I know it’s not a race, and trust me, God has been yelling at me to slow down, but I thought there would be something more to my life by now. It must be funny to God, who can see what we will become, looking at us fighting His will and doubting His plans for us. In fact, I may one day look back and laugh at myself at 24, wondering how I got to be so stubborn, so misdirected, so disbelieving…
So the question still stands: what is God calling me to be/do? Well I know He is planning something, and what it is, it will surely be worth the wait.
Short story: When I was younger I thought 24 was the perfect age to meet Mr. Right. I would have enough time to date him before getting engaged at 26 and married at 28. Why I felt this way, I’m unsure. It’s clear now that I very easily could still be single at 26, if that is God’s plan. While I’ve been discerning His call to me, I have realized that there is a clear, almost too easy of a reason for me to be single right now, besides the fact that I may not have met my future husband yet, I am called to live out a calling which requires me to be single and without a full time job. The strange thing is how long it had taken me to put these two things together. I used to figure being single was nice because when I graduate I could get a job wherever I wanted without someone holding me in a certain location. Now I feel that wherever I am called to (as of yet I am still discerning that) I will need to be free of many things. God is so smart how He makes things the way that they are. It still worries me, but every time I doubt Him, I must think of Thomas.
I also used to doubt that I would find an individual much like myself that I could grow together with in a healthy Catholic relationship that included Christ. I tended to date Catholic boys that I believed it was my responsibility to bring to Christ and conversion. Yeah, maybe I helped them a bit, maybe I showed them my love for God and that inspired them to become closer to Christ, but you know who that didn’t help grow closer to Christ? Me. I know other couples that are in good places with each other and Christ, but I started to think that all of those guys were taken, gone, or discerning the priesthood. This was a silly notion, but I was getting discouraged, doubting the God who was working to somehow bring me to the place where I needed to be. Yeah, I haven’t really met the man I am going to marry, unless he is standing in the background somewhere so that when the time comes we will be free to accept each other and fall in love, but that mostly happens in books. The biggest hint God has given me lately in the future husband category was an image that seems completely ridiculous right now, but may not in the future. This is how I know that having faith and believing and not doubting are all things the Father wants me to practice right now. Again, I need to have patience and also to stop thinking selfishly about my life instead of what I can do for the lives of others. Hopefully in sharing myself I will find comfort in God and satisfaction in knowing that He is eternally there for me and will lead the way when the time comes.
God Bless, Juli