Category Archives: Relationships
From the looks of things lately my career is starting to get back on track, after six months of floundering. This is nice for me.
But what becomes difficult for me is that when everything else in my life is going well, it leaves me time to contemplate my loneliness.
Don’t get me wrong, I have amazing friends, and a loving and supportive family. But I am single, and there are times when I get very deeply lonely, I miss the love and support of a real relationship, something I have never known.
So I composed this prayer. Like most of my prayers it’s a little bit irreverent.
Dear Lord, please grant me the patience to wait for my husband
I know I am impatient to meet him.
I know that this must happen in your time not mine
But maybe send him in enough time that we can have our time
Before it’s baby time
Grant me the strength to sit at a bar by myself
And not accept drinks from sketchy dudes because I am lonely
Usually such dudes do not even want to get dinner
And I am better than that
However, also grant me the clarity to tell the difference
Between the sketchy dudes, and the ones who are just shy
Or maybe just had too many shots that night
Also please keep me away from shots.
Generally, that prevents a lot unwanted behavior
Please give me compassion on first dates
First dates are awkward for everyone
So it’s OK if it isn’t perfect
Also, grant me grace to hold my tongue
And maybe not talk about Batman the whole night
Give me the confidence to order real food
For you gave us the gift of carbohydrates, oil and fire
Thus french fries are a glorious gift from you, and should be treated as such
You also created lettuce, but I’m pretty sure it was Satan that decided people should consider chicken Caesar salad a meal
Please place me in the path of a good, kind man
The kind of man who isn’t afraid to admit he watched The OC, and is nice to his mother and sisters
The kind of man who is either taller than I, or doesn’t care if I’m taller than he in my super high heels
The kind of man who loves that I watch football on Sunday, but doesn’t expect me to know the name of every guy on the field
Let him drink beer, but know what kind of wine he likes and not use “gay” as a term for “stupid”
Let him love or at least be open to the music of Bruce Springsteen and Jimmy Buffet, and humor me when it comes to Madonna and Lady Gaga
Please Lord, let him love me
Let him love my sour moods and my laughter
Let him love you, and my love for you.
And finally Lord, grant me the clarity to know when it’s him.
Don’t let me walk away.
I’m sure some of you have adored these books since they first appeared, but I’m a recent convert. The movie, I thought, was awesome. It got me curious about the books. I eased into the first book in bits and pieces, deciding I liked the first-person narrative in Katniss’s clean, clipped tones. I liked the richness of details that didn’t make the film version, like her rudimentary friendship with Madge. Eventually, I picked up the pace of my reading as the minor differences from the movie accumulated into an emotional experience beyond what the movie held for me, the pages washing past until the end of the first book. Monday night, Mister and I got the second book, and I was through it by the end of Tuesday. Good suspense at points, but the characters really did it for me. I cared about them, had to know what they’d endure next. At 12:30am today, I brought home the third book. It left my hands twice – once for me to write down my thoughts on Chapter 1 (I had this crazy idea I’d do so every few chapters, but I got to engrossed to do it again) and a second time to switch my ceiling light for a bedside lamp when I realized I wasn’t stopping any time soon. I finished around 6:30. I’ve always been a lover of books, but I’ve never read a full novel in one dose. If I had to describe the trilogy in one word, I’d call it compelling. If you haven’t read it, I suggest it wholeheartedly. Don’t read past this point if you haven’t completed the books – you don’t want to ruin a story this well-made. (Caution: spoilers may turn up in the comments as well)
On Monday, my Mister* woke up sick and I spent the day taking care of him. Tuesday, I caught the same thing (though not as severe, luckily). As the virus made its last grand attempt to overtake me last night, I got that awful sensation of fluid in the sinuses that always makes me feel like I’m under water. (You know, when a big Jersey wave knocks you upside down and squirts seawater up your nose? Am I the only one stupid enough to let that happen?) Anyway, that got a song suck in my head that I probably hadn’t heard in years– Slow Down by Paulson. I found it on youtube and listened to it before I fell asleep. If you’re not familiar, have a listen:
Slow Down by Paulson
I’m so glad that my random word association brought me to this song, because it hit me on two different levels.
First, as I’ve mentioned before, I felt distant and disconnected from God for a very long time, and I’m just beginning to surface from that spiritual murkiness. It really did mess with my sense of time and age, leaving me in retrospect with the feeling that “I just survived” and wasn’t really living. I was trying to “save myself” and of course that’s neither necessary nor even possible. The growing realization that I’m really not alone, that I can learn once again to float on God’s plans for me instead of sinking in my own attempts to plan, is truly stunning. But in my relationship with God, I fully intend to rush things and grow closer to Him as fast as possible.
The song speaks in a different way to my relationship with my Mister. I don’t want to get too mushy or too personal, so let it suffice to say that we are both deeply committed to one another and he really could be the one. Because of that, I really relate to the feeling that “nothing else matters now”. I’m grateful for the reminder in this song that even so, we need to take our time in order to do things right. Love and lust really do coexist sometimes, but they’re ultimately incompatible. Either one will eventually drive out the other if it takes control long enough. I always thought of lust as a very overt, kind of creepy sexuality, but in a committed relationship, it seems to be a lot more subtle than that. It’s about wanting more intimacy and sooner than what chastity allows. Basically, it feels a lot like the temptation to break your Lenten fast before Easter. So, taking a cue from the song’s title, I’m sending up a prayer for patience tonight. If I truly believe that God wants to unite me in marriage with another soul (I do), then I’d better give Him the time and space to prepare my heart for that lifelong bond beforehand. True love really can sweep a girl off her feet, but no love is stronger than the Love that called us into being. God, grant us the patience and fidelity to commit our hearts to You fully before binding them to one another. May we always keep our minds, hearts, and whole beings pure for You. Amen.
*I can’t think of a fitting pseudonym for my boyfriend. My grandmom always used to ask me “How’s your mister?”, and since he never got to meet her before she passed away, Mister seems fitting to me.